2005-12-30

my cello is like God...

I've been thinking lately how I'm excited to really get to know my cello... What I mean is this - I know how to play some selection of pieces on my cello and I know something about it, but I don't really just KNOW my cello... for instance, if I heard a tune playing in my head, it would take me a bit of time to figure out how to play it on the cello, and I might actually lose it before I figured it out. I want to know the ins and outs of the cello so that I could play as if it were second nature to me - without thinking. Just be able to hear something in my head and have it come out my fingers like there is no break inbetween.

This morning I read a blog by a friend of ours about how she wants to get to know God in a different way... and I thought, "this relates to my desire to know my cello." Here's what I'm thinking... We tend to get to know God based on some formulas somebody has written to coerce something from God. "I need comfort today - that calls for the third movement of Bach's Cello Suite Number 1." We spend time not getting to know God, but getting to know these formulas that we sort of interact with as if they were God. It's kind of like the concept of API (application programmer interface) in the computer programming world. An API is a set of standardized ways to interact with a program without having to know the internals of how that program works. You just have to know what the API is expecting to receive, and what it will give back when you send a certain thing to it. I think we tend to look at God that way. We look at the APIs or Pieces or whatever analogy you want to use, and we don't realize that they are just a static, inanimate thing which we are trying to relate to. We don't even think about actually getting to know God, who is sitting somewhere behind all of our formulas waiting for us to figure it out and stop trying to know an assortment of musical pieces, but to actually know the instrument. He's waiting for us to get our heads out of our asses and realize that He is more than the sum of all of our stupid formulas about how we should relate to Him and how he should relate to us.

With that in mind, maybe we all should do some re-evaluating of how we see God, how we relate to Him, how we think He should relate to us... and most of all, actually get to know Him, and forget all the formulas we've made up to try and make Him fit inside the tiny box that we can comprehend rationally. I don't know about you, but I would rather serve a God who is more than I can imagine, than a God who I can completely understand through and through. And I would rather have a relationship with a living, real person than with a set of static, impersonal rules and regulations designed to make me comfortable. No thanks.

2005-12-22

rain...

rain, rain, come to stay
fall upon my face today
soak my hair, soak my skin
drench my heart, deep within
write upon my soul a tear
wash the poison, pain, the fear
leave me peace, let me breathe
deep and strong... I am clean

2005-12-21

saddam hussein

today I heard some people talking about Saddam Hussein and his claims that he was tortured as he was being held for trial. They were making comments like "boo-fucking-hoo" and imagining "Beat-Me-Up Saddam" toys. It almost made me cry. Yes, Saddam Hussein has done some horrible things in his life. BUT HE'S A HUMAN! I've broken peoples' hearts, I've lied, cheated, stolen, been uncaring, unloving, and therefore I have NO right to condemn Saddam Hussein and say he should be treated as less than human. Not that we should condone what he's done, but treat him as we treat any other human who does stuff wrong. Do we think he's beyond God's love? Because we quite easily place him beyond ours. Maybe we should think about that some more.

2005-12-19

diamonds

diamonds melt
is that possible?
it doesn't matter
they do...
and you wipe
them away
before they crash
shatter on the floor
and they absorb
into your skin
like mercury
mercury diamonds
of my soul
absorbed, assimilated
into yours

2005-12-15

how I see God around me

please leave comments with your own thoughts :)

*new* I see God in the people I know who are open and honest about their lives. I can see the ways they are changing, growing, being challenged and I can see God's working in their lives. Said people encourage my soul and make me feel as though I have been physically touched by God.

my tree outside my office window is so tender, delicate, in the leaves, but yet strong, and full of life, in the branches and trunk. God is so tender with us, He loves us so dearly, and his hands are gentle with us, but He is not weak or frail, He is strong and full of life.

an oak tree is old and wise. in its twisted branches, it shows the deep experience of life and understanding of what is important. An oak tree has wisdom gained from experience, and an understanding of how everything around it works. God has an unsearchable well of wisdom, a deep understanding of life, and a deep understanding of human life, from experience. The oak tree reminds me that Christ understands me and everything I feel.

The wind in the summertime refreshes my soul, it makes all the hot
sweat on my body turn into cool water, and all of the hot tiredness in
my body turn to sweetness. God blows cool wind on my soul when it is
hot and tired and turns the tiredness of my heart into cool water
which refreshes my soul. When my soul is tired from long work or hard
struggle, He gives me a cool wind to calm my soul and bring me
refreshment.

astronomy

i am the astronomer
and nature my lens
through which i study
the nature of divine
only it is a magical lens
because as i look
i absorb
and i find in myself
the colors i see
the textures i feel
the breaths i inhale
the presence i know
it spreads within
i can feel it slowly
like a warm drink
on a cold day
coating me inside
changing me
and i feel...

i am alive

seeking and displaced...

seeking and displaced
from home...
i thought it was
wandering the earth
my friends, the other lost
we all look for an end
a place to rest
we haven't found it yet
however, we know
one day
we will be
at rest, at peace
and it makes the wandering
while painful sometimes
sometimes fun
but always full
of love and peace
wandering, lost
but together
with clues, and common want
we love our God
together...

2005-12-13

the death penalty...

Former gang leader Stanley "Tookie" Williams has been executed by lethal injection, 24 years after he was convicted of killing four people.

Though in the time since then, he has spent his life encouraging kids to get out of gangs, he has even been nominated for a nobel peace prize. I guess the question is, what can we forgive? Do we have the right to put a judgement like this on another person? I think of Gandalf's comment in The Fellowship of the Ring when he's talking to Frodo about Gollum, and Frodo says that Bilbo should have killed Gollum when he had the chance. Gandalf replies that many who die deserve life, but can you give it to them? Then don't be too quick to deal out death. Frankly, the death penalty makes my stomach a little queasy. I think we just take it for granted, and I think we should really put some more thought into whether we really have that right or not. Is our desire for "justice" greater than our desire to forgive? Because I think at that point you have to ask yourself if you just want revenge.

2005-12-11

:)

my love for you is so overpowering I'm afraid that I will disappear...

(that's about you, Patrina) :)

2005-12-10

important to me...

there's this woman named Patrina who is an unexplainable blessing to me. she makes my toes wiggle and my stomach do flip flops and God is so good for giving her to me.

2005-12-09

hate...

if there's one thing I hate more than anything, it's seeing my wife hurt...

2005-12-06

some days...

make you really thankful for sleep and numbness...

life...

life is weird...

sometimes I feel like the world and my brain function based on different sets of rules...

sometimes I feel like the world is spinning way too fast and I'm going to fly off...

sometimes I feel like it's turned inside-out and I don't understand it anymore...

sometimes I feel like I'm in a Dali...

conditional...

I don't know why, but lately I've felt a lot like my friendships are really fragile. I mean, I've felt a lot like if I'm too persistent or say too much of what I feel or whatever, that my friends will just leave me behind. I don't think they've done anything really to fuel this feeling, at least I can't think of anything... I don't know what the problem is. Thankfully I don't have this feeling with a number of key people, my wife mainly, my parents, sister, etc... and it's not with all my friends either... just a general feeling... maybe I just have too strong of a desire to commit... I don't know... anyway, I think this again will require some quiet thought alone with my heart and God and allow some processing.

2005-12-03

did you ever...

did you ever know someone so well that their gestures became sometimes even more familiar than your own, that the little wrinkles by the side of their eyes became so familiar that you could recite how many crinkles there are, and you could tell that a certain thing would make them laugh or make them angry before they even heard it? Have you ever loved someone so much that those same crinkles in their eyes make your heart burst, and that sweet silent smile makes your soul rejoice? Have you ever loved someone so much that if you were to see the hurt in their eyes that you caused, your soul would crack as if it had dried up and died? But could immediately be restored by their words of forgiveness to a soul which desires to make them feel they are the most amazing, special, beautiful person in the world? I have the most wonderful lifemate...

why?

have you ever met somebody new and you seem to just hit it off phenomenally, like you are soulmates, and you just wonder to yourself, "why on earth does this person like me so much?". And after contemplation, it just still doesn't make sense, and you just feel blessed and in a strange way kind of unworthy... and you have a strange suspicion that the other person is going to just get sick of you any day because they don't understand you or you are too persistent or whatever...

2005-12-02

rain, rain, come to stay...

today is a perfect day to sit inside, huddle up under a blanket, listen to Sigur Rós (the () album) and drink hot jasmine tea while watching the drops slide down the window...

generous palmstroke - björk

I am strong in his hands
I am beyond me
on my own i'm human
and I do faults

I do confess
I feel you trickeling
down my shoulders
from above

mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

I turn myself in
I give myself up
volunteer
you own me : I'm yours

mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

You have to trust it
I'm eternally yours
all that I gave them
I gave to you

mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

So needy of comfort
but too raw to be embraced
undo this privacy
and put me in my place

mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

Generous palmstroke
the hugest of hugs
undo this privacy
embrace

E m b r a c e m e
E m b r a c e m e
E m b r a c e m e
E e e e e e m m m m m

mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm

I am strong in his hands
I am above
way beyond me
I.... con...

She's strong in his hands
she is beyond her
on her own she is human
and she does faults

2005-12-01

do you ever feel like...

sometimes I think life would be much nicer if Trina and I could just move away somewhere nobody knows us and not make any effort to meet anybody but just be us...