2006-01-31

the wisdom of the sands - antoine de saint-exupéry

"When, O Lord, I wax indignant, it is because I have not yet understood. When I cast men in prison or have them slain, it is because I know not how to shelter them. For he who makes for himself a fragile truth (such as preferring freedom to strict discipline, or discipline to freedom), since he fails to master the vagaries of a language whose words rebuff each other - such a man boils with rage when someone ventures to contradict him. If you shout loudly, it is because, your own language being inadequate, you want to drown others' voices. But wherewith, O Lord, should I wax indignant, if I have had access to Thy mountain-top and seen work well done despite the makeshift words that sponsored it. Him who comes to me will I welcome; to him who sets himself up against me will I speak gently, comprehending where his error lies, so that he may return. Yet nothing in this gentleness will spell concession, flattery, or a desire to curry favor; I shall but be turning to account what I read so clearly behind the outward man - the fervor of his desire. And thus I shall make him mine; for I shall have taken him, too, into myself. Anger does not blind us; it comes of our being blind. You wax indignant with a man who shows his rancor. But it opens his garment, so that you see the cancer gnawing him - and presently you forgive. Why be wroth with a despair so piteous?

2006-01-30

i'll take the rain - R.E.M.

I used to think,
as birds take wing
they sing through life
so why can't we?

you cling to this,
you claim the best,
if this is
what you're offering -
I'll take the rain...

2006-01-28

conversely...

I can't say how thankful I am for the people who are involved in my life these days... I feel overwhelmed sometimes just thinking about what a blessing they are... I really couldn't imagine a better situation... having friends we actually feel a need to get in touch with when we haven't seen them for a few days, having friends who will just stop by and hang out for a bit, have dinner with us, friends who understand us and love us even though, frankly, we're all a bit fucked up, and all pretty weird in our own ways :) But you know, you don't have to have it all together to love someone... or else we'd all be pretty lonely... maybe that misconception is why we're all so lonely down here on earth... because we get fooled into thinking that we have to be perfect to love someone else... and then we never get around to it. Well, I could write a lot about that, but I'm kinda tired right now and don't really feel like it, so I'm not going to :) Ha ha ha! Foo to you and your children and your childrens' children and your childrens' childrens' children... and stuff.

high school

high school was scary, and thinking about it again kinda weirded me out... thank God that's over with...

2006-01-26

redemption - jars of clay

we're looking for redemption
it was hidden in the landscape
of loss and love and fire and rain
never would have come this way
looking for redemption

we were looking out past the road we came from

looking at redemption
hidden in the landscape
of loss and love and fire and rain
never would have come this way
looking for redemption
in the eyes of sorrow, eyes of rage
our sordid histories they played
the drama of redemption
redemption

2006-01-23

if god will send his angels - U2

and if God will send his angels
I sure could use them here right now
and if God will send his angels
and I don't have to know how
and I don't need to know why
and I don't want a promise
cuz I don't want a lie
just know I need you tonight...

flight

I stare down at the city
with the distinct impression
that I am flying

not in a plane
but of my own volition
I cannot fly

so high as the clouds
that kind of height
is well beyond me

something about flying
makes the city feel
sleepy

like I am the only one
alive, gliding past rooftops
is it a dream?

no, not so much
more an imagining,
a creation

so, having created
my first essay into flight
I turn and walk down the hill

2006-01-22

this road - jars of clay

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel may it be the straight and narrow
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God, give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

sharpie

by the way, we have a sharpie (one of the really thin ones) on the windowsill in our kitchen, so if you're ever over and you need a pen, just look on the kitchen windowsill :)

2006-01-21

eternal sunshine...

so, we just watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind... and now I'm just all tingly and my head is buzzing... I love that feeling.

walking

I've decided once again that it's well worth my time to get up early so I can walk to work... going to start doing that again.

oh yeah...

I also almost ate an eyeball in a pork and vegetable bun we got from an asian market on 82nd. That was a little scary.

weezer bunnies...

so today we were leaving to go to the store and I wanted to listen to Weezer on the way, so I went to grab their blue album, and discovered that the CD wasn't in the case, so I looked in the green album and there it was. So I told Trina, the blue album had been fraternizing with the green album, and she said "oh no, we're going to end up with turquoise", and I said, "or maybe they're like bunnies and we'll end up with like 500 Weezer albums", and she said "Weezer bunnies propogating in our CD cabinets!", and we both thought it was incredibly funny and laughed a lot :)

incidentally, I did a Google search on "Weezer bunnies" and didn't really come up with anything interesting, unfortunately.

however, Trina found this:

2006-01-20

hallelujah - jeff buckley

I heard there was a secret chord
That david played and it pleased the lord
But you don't really care for music, do you
Well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ....

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah .... .

Baby i've been here before
I've seen this room and i've walked this floor
I used to live alone before i knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ....

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do you
But remember when i moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah

Well, maybe there's a god above
But all i've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah ....

2006-01-19

we only come out at night - the smashing pumpkins

We only come out at night,
We only come out at night,
the days are much too bright,
We only come out at night

And once again, you'll pretend to know me well, my friends
And once again, I'll pretend to know the way
Thru the empty space
Thru the secret places of the heart

We only come out at night,
We only come out at night,
the days are mush too bright,
We only come out at night

I walk alone, I walk alone to find the way home
I'm on my own, I'm on my own to see the ways
That I can't help the days, you will make it home o.k.
I know you can, and you can

We only come out at night,
We only come out at night,
the days are much too bright,
We only come out at night

And once again, you'll pretend to know that
There's an end, that there's an end to this begin
It will help you sleep at night
It will make it seem that right is always right
Alright?

We only come out at night

a service of song - emily dickinson

Some keep the Sabbath going to church;
I keep it staying at home,
With a bobolink for a chorister,
And an orchard for a dome.

Some keep the Sabbath in surplice;
I just wear my wings,
And instead of tolling the bell for church,
Our little sexton sings.

God preaches, -- a noted clergyman, --
And the sermon is never long;
So instead of getting to heaven at last,
I'm going all along!

stay or leave - dave matthews

Maybe different, but remember
Winters warm there you and I,
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And the summer comes
The river swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom, you and I
With muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good, as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee,
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us...
It was good good love.
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of today's afternoon, hey
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that i should

That I could'a done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me?
What day is this
Besides the day you went?

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon, hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this

can't cope...

do you ever find yourself in a situation where you just really can't cope with what's going on and you feel like the only possible solution is to run away as fast as you can? this is how I feel at work every few days... only instead of running, I put on headphones, crank up the Radiohead and ignore everything outside my own head...

2006-01-18

mmmm....

mmm... wasabi peas and prawn crackers are fantastic!

joy and suffering

From Wisdom of the Sands, by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Thus is it with him, too, who draws his life-force from the dawn,
plunging into its frosty sheen as into a pool of living water. Or, yet
more simply, that man who when he is thirsty goes to the well, hauls
at the chain, and lifts the brimming pail on to the rim of the well,
his ears full of the sound of tinkling drops, a shrill, sweet
water-music. And thus his thirst infuses a meaning into his
going-forth, his arms and his eyes, for that thirsty man's walk
towards his well is like a poem. But there are others who beckon a
slave, and he lifts the water to their lips, and they know not the
song of the wellspring. Their "comfortable conditions" are but a lack;
and because they have no faith in suffering, joy withholds itself from
them.

understanding

have I ever mentioned how thankful I am for the people who really understand me? It is very clear to me that God has placed you all in my life, and I'm so thankful for every one of you... I just can't say enough how much you mean to me. Some days you mean that I even keep functioning, because frankly it's not always obvious to me in life that anyone understands me... but I can remember there are a few people who do, and sometimes that keeps me going. Thanks for blessing my life :)

2006-01-17

no manure, no magic

I was reminded again this week that without difficulty in life, we don't get the magic of pure joy... I kind of wanted to say more than that, but I couldn't think of a good way to say it, so I'll just leave it at that. It's a good thing to remember.

as a side note, this is one of those questions that I don't think I'll ever adequately answer in this life - why did we have to fall and become sinful and suffer? Was there something about us that wasn't complete until having that experience? Was God looking for more glory for saving a fallen mankind? Honestly, sometimes I am pretty sure I don't understand anything about anything, except there are two things I am very clear on... I am to love God and love people... and my heart aches and burns to do just that... so I do... and that is enough, I think...

"let me lay down in this field, stare up at the sky
I hope these days and clouds turn into something as they pass us by
and maybe you could settle for a skyline faded blue
I hope that you might settle for this love I have for you..."

"did you leave me unbreakable?
did you leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
I thought you'd left me
for the wreckage and the waste
on an empty beach of faith
was it true?"

thank you God that even though I don't understand a lot of what you do, I know you are with me and I know you love me, and that is enough for me - and I love you.

2006-01-12

if I could do...

if I could do
just one
near perfect thing

I would touch
the face
of the one I love

I would look
deep into
her windows of soul

and somehow she
would KNOW
she is all

paint - part II

I am tired
my back sore
The weight of my embellishment
suffocating

All I wanted
was more color
Instead I feel, oozing
from my pores, grey

And so my facade, tired
begins to flake, crack
I want to help it, to pull
but I've forgotten, am I beautiful?

However, this facade
this embellishment
Will Not Do!
so I start to peel

As the first shard falls away
I notice
A vibrant blue
my breath catches in my throat

Was that what I looked like?
what was I thinking?
The next day I meet a friend
she says the blue is too bright

I consider painting it again
as I have all these years
But each time I look
my heart skips a beat

So instead, I find another
crack, and start peeling
slowly, to reveal
red, real RED - a tear forms

And slides down my cheek
washing away the pale white
I had painted
revealing flesh and soul

I happen to glance up
to see my reflection
A mottled, cracked painting
with a tear-track of flesh

A small, bright piece
of Blue
And a heart of deep RED
starting to beat again

paint - part II

I am tired
my back sore
The weight of my embellishment
suffocating

All I wanted
was more color
Instead I feel, oozing
from my pores, grey

And so my facade, tired
begins to flake, crack
I want to help it, to pull
but I've forgotten, am I beautiful?

However, this facade
this embellishment
WILL NOT DO!
so I start to peel

As the first shard falls away
i notice
A vibrant blue
my breath catches in my throat

Was that what I looked like?
what was I thinking?
The next day I meet a friend
she says the blue is too bright

I consider painting it again
as I have all these years
But each time I look
my heart skips a beat

So instead, I find another
crack, and start peeling
Slowly, to reveal
red, real RED - a tear forms

And slides down my cheek
washing away the pale white
I had painted
revealing flesh and soul

I happen to glance up
to see my reflection
A mottled, cracked painting
with a tear-track of flesh

A small, bright piece
of blue
And a heart of deep RED
starting to beat again

2006-01-11

paint - part I

I had fancied myself
a painter
And truth be told
I have a sense for color

So I painted myself
an embellishment
Sometimes to cover
sometimes to bring out

Now the original
only peeks through
A few small cracks
here and there

The colors faded
by my (admittedly) cheaper paint
I don't remember much
of the original

It was me
but surely this is much nicer
People like this
I don't disrupt anyone...

2006-01-09

raindrops...

walking in the rain
I feel at one
not a disturbance at all
as if the rain were me
and I the rain
only the play of light
at certain points
gives the appearance
something is there
but really, a careful glance
would reveal glimmering
drops of flesh, cloth
hair, eyes, shoes
and were one to swoosh
their hand through
the rain - there would be
no resistance